I have come to a realisation tonight. My perspective of my mother needs to change in order for me to come to terms with our relationship. I need to realise that I expect her to be my mother and fill her motherly duties, which she never does so over and over again I am hurt and betrayed. Mothers should: love and comfort their children put their children first support their children regardless of what they decide to do (within reason) lend a good listening ear in rough times provide emotional support protect children from harm
My mother does none of these things. My mother fits the job description of boss much better. Bosses should: tell employees what to do adhere to strict rules about being on time, power structures, conscientiousness, timelines, how things should be done look out for themselves first provide finances provide room, board and transportation (in some job situations, but not all)
Best of all, its okay to hate your boss!!
If my mom is my boss, then our relationship is fine! Why bother expecting her to give me motherly support when I am never going to get it? I am just going to get burned over and over and over again. It hurts too much. I need to get my emotional support, socialisation and love from OTHER PEOPLE. No one can be a mother to me, but they can fill some of the roles that everyone needs a mother or close loved one to fill.
Right now I just need to tell myself that my mother is my boss and I am going to hand in my resignation ASAP!!! I can get funds and letters of reference from anyone else and move on to a new boss!
My mom never let me talk about my feelings. She would just shut me up and tell me to get over it and I still harbour feelings of resent towards her. I have better relationships with other people (my father who i have never lived with, his wife my sister, my boyfriends family) because they understand the importance of working through emotions in hard times. I see other families flourish when parents are emotionally open and supportive. That is why I want to raise my children allowing them to be emotionally open and talk about their feelings. It has helped me so much in my personal relationships.
Let me just say that I hate the people on health kicker that blog about how they stay skinny IF: they mention that they eat very little (like fewer than a healthy number of calories) they think they could stand to lose a few pounds if they are already skinny they do not give an empathetic nod to those who struggle they make it seem like being skinny takes care of itself without being an issue of balancing emotions, stress, work, family, kids and a million other obligations they sound like they naturally have an amazing body type (this one is out of their control, i am just jealous)
It was hard to get out of bed today. I still did my usualy routine and i even remembered to do my push ups and lunges when i woke up. I did a cardio video that I love. It's a real challenge. Stephanie Huckabee's Ultimate Calorie Blaster. It's awesome. There are a few minutes of planks at the end and it comes with a bonus 8 minute ab video that I did before the cardio. It was a lot of abs. I could have pushed harder; my stomach isn't sore. That will be my goal for tomorrow. Tomorrow is a tough muscle day, followed by 2 cardio days. I went really heavy on the milk products today. Cereal. Cheese at lunch cheese at dinner. Milk at the bar. They were light choices, just milk and cottage cheese, but I think it was a couple servings too much. Less milk tomorrow. Too much fat and cholesterol. I'd be better off eating fruit.
http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"> name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12">
Today I ate:
Branflakes and milk
Rice with celery and sauce
Turkey sandwich with lettuce and cottage cheese
Potato salad spoonful
tea with milk and sugar
salad with salmon at Rockford's (remembered to get dressing on side. Thank god it was awful dressing and mostly oil.)
I have been MIA for a while I got down to 125 because I stopped eating due to stress. Now I'm a bit closer to 130. I'm really trying to keep it down by limiting my intake and swimming a lot. I'm done swimming after work now so I will have to find something else to do. I will probably work out after dark when it is a bit cooler. I will be swimming this upcoming week though because I will be at the beach visiting the bf. I will make sure to do a lot of swimming because his mom will try to fatten me up. She is always offering me snacks like nachos or making lunch that involves white bread, fatty cheese and fancy meat. I need to get in to some habit of eating well when I stay with his family. I think I will bring meal replacement bars because I would prefer that to nachos. She generally has fruits and vegetables around the house, so I need to be sure to go to that before I go to yummy yummy nachos :(
I'm excited to workout tomorrow :) And the day after! I did an ab video today and swam a little bit at work. I was too underslept this week to swim very well, but I still did. I keep falling asleep in my back yard on the new deck.
I think what will keep my weight down the most in the upcoming school year is keeping a regular schedule and planning my meals ahead. I need to commit to getting up early to workout or swim, with a focus on cardio and core. I need to make a real effort no matter how long it takes in order to eat well. Having eric out of town will allow me to set my own schedule and eat a lot better. I always find myself eating so poorly when I'm with him. Skinny boy. So lucky. Eats whatever he wants.
That's all I have to say for now. I'm having my blood tested in the morning before I go on acutane again, so I need to go to bed early and not eat for 12 hours. SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW!!!
Today I ate: branflakes chocolate cake mini plum corn popsicle salad with salmon** potato with ketchup bread and butter energy bar there must have been something else, but i forget oh 2 cups of tea. i accidentally drank one black. guess i dont reallly need milk or sugar 1/2 muffin